Silence is golden.
To be honest, there are parts of me that I don’t like. Not so much my physical attributes which [let me tell you a secret] I care very little about…I mean,I CARE, but I’m not hung up about how I’m physically presenting myself to the world as much as the mentality with which I’m facing it.
I love words…no surprise here…but of late I’ve been faced with a new dilemma,stringing together the truthful words that say how I really feel. Quite often I see patterns or spot sequences that escape others.I’m always looking for signs from the Universe everywhere so like when the little white boxes in Facebook and Twitter ask ‘What’s on your mind?’ I falter.
What is on my mind? Could I dare say it? How would people take it? Would they judge me on it? That aside,is what i’m saying of any relevance? Is it knowledgable? Life changing or is it mere ‘brain farts’? Utter garbage?
People often tell me i’m too hard on myself,especially the people who have my confidence. I agree. I don’t know how to change or if quite frankly I even want to! I have a morbid fascination with talking and talking and thinking and thinking ad nauseum about the things that bug me. Trust me I have no qualms about spelling out my problems.
Someone recently labeled my endless talks about my issues as a bad case of the ‘Self-Pity’. Of course I countered the label with a sharp reply and serious ‘exhibit A-Z’ to justify why I wasn’t throwing a pity party every time I talked about ‘those’ things.
But was I? Was what I thought was ‘my process’ really a smoke-screen on an all out pity parade? [the more I thought about it,the bigger the whole thing looked.]
The sad realization was that talking about things didn’t make them better,it only firmly established my status quo…a terrible stagnant position that was expertly explained but never changed!
So now I hold back from saying things because I’m weighing them, thinking and thinking before I set off talking and talking.
I’m not saying its a bad thing or that I will stop speaking my mind because what I’m now looking out for is the negative thoughts and the dark places I keep revisiting whenever I say certain things.
We are after all what we profess,what we think is what we are therefore my challenge is to now look at what I’m saying,to REALLY ask myself if the things I’m actually saying are verbal crutches, the handy have-never-could-never vocabulary I’ve always known.
And by embracing silence until all that I can profess will be positive is not too bad of a thing. I actually want to rain on my own parade [Get it?...My pity parade?] Because nothing is more important to me right now than self development even if I have to cut short my love affair with words.